The Blog from under the lawn
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Cowisms The world is full of ‘isms’, or is that just a truism? Socialism is that you have two cows and give one to your neighbour. Communism is that the State takes both cows and gives you some milk. With Nazism, if you’re not a Nazi, the State takes both cows and shoots you, and Surrealism means you have two giraffes and the State pays for your harmonica lessons. This all seems pretty loony. But remember that we live in the 21st Century, where – despite the fact that the planet has been cooling for the last 11 years – “global warming” is the new religion and scientists who object (thousands of them) are jostled in the University canteen, though not all at the same time. Quite right too. Heretics should be jostled. The EU was feeling a bit left out in the “knitting with only one needle” stakes, so they recently issued a booklet to all MEPs and staff, banning the use of “Miss” and “Mrs” as sexist. Also outlawed are “Madame”, “Mademoiselle”, “Frau”, “Fraulein”, “Senora” and “Senorita”. “Sportsmen” and “statesmen” are also outlawed, along with “man-made”, which should be “artificial” or “synthetic”. And please remember that you are paying for this at the cost of £40-million a day. Ahem. Back to reality and cows: In a French Corporation you have two cows but want three, so you riot and block the roads until the government agrees. In a British Corporation you have two cows but both are mad. In an Italian Corporation you have two cows but don’t know where they are, so you go to lunch. In a Swiss Corporation you have 5,000 cows hidden underground but none of them belong to you, and in an Iraqi Corporation you have no cows but everyone thinks you’re lying so they bomb the bejeebers out of you until they realise their mistake. That’s enough cows for now. Bovineist denier! Disgusted in Devon In the middle of the European elections in June 2009 a volunteer at UKIP Head Office (near Newton Abbot) took a telephone call: “Good afternoon. UK Independence Party. How can I help?” The lady caller said pompously: “I am not giving my name, but as a County Councillor in Devon, I am appalled, absolutely appalled, that Sir Winston Churchill is on the cover of your election leaflet. I shall be taking this further!” UKIP’s official response is: “Fine. Go ahead.” In September 1945, in Zurich, Winston Churchill made a speech: ‘The first step in the recreation of the European family must be a partnership between France and Germany. In this way only can France recover the moral leadership of Europe.’ But he continued: ‘Great Britain, the British Commonwealth, mighty America, and I trust Soviet Russia, must be the friends and sponsors of the new Europe and must champion its right to shine.’ Churchill saw France and Germany leading the new Europe, but crucially with Britain (and the Commonwealth) as friend and sponsor, not as a member. When we were conned into joining the EU (under the guise of a ‘Common Market’) Edward Heath and his Conservative Party promptly turned their backs on the Commonwealth. That would have appalled Churchill. Since the 1970s the three big political parties have colluded in handing our sovereignty to unelected officials in Brussels. But it was never theirs to give away. Sovereignty lies with the people - Churchill knew that better than anyone – and at the June 4th European elections we saw that many British people agreed with him, and voted UKIP. After the recent revelations of Plug-Gate (non-existent mortgages, 88p bathplugs, and porn movies being charged to the taxpayer) I should also explain to that anonymous Devon County Councillor that UKIP will take no lessons in probity from her. No surrender Slumber Party Membership There’s an old Navajo proverb: “You can’t wake a person who is pretending to be asleep”, and there are still quite a few Britons who cannot or will not see the danger posed by our membership of the EU. Let’s look at the legal system. More than 80% of our laws are now made in Brussels, where the votes are taken at such speed that few MEPs know what they are voting on and why they’re doing it in the first place. The former Master of the Rolls, Lord Denning stated: “No longer is European law an incoming tide flowing up the estuaries of England. It is now like a tidal wave bringing down our sea walls and flowing inland over our fields and houses, to the dismay of us all.” If you raise this issue you will get three responses, in order. First, “Don’t be so daft. You’re spreading alarmist loony nonsense.”… Next, a year or so later: “It’s just a proposal. It’ll never happen.”… And finally: “Sorry but it’s European law. Nothing we can do about it now.” The list is depressingly long: post office closures, HIPs, landfill tax, Human Rights Act, open-door immigration policy etc… But the people who really make the laws are the European Commission, not the MEPs. And the crucial fact is that when you become an EU Commissioner you are there to serve Brussels, not your own country. It’s in the job description. As the MEP Bill Newton Dunn (Lib Dem) said in 1990: “There is no plot by the European Parliament to usurp powers from the House of Commons. The Commons never had power over European laws. When ministers go to Brussels, they leave their democratic shackles behind them.” Sleeping Dogs will lie Currency Fluctuations Margaret Thatcher once said: ‘The problem with Socialism is that you eventually run out of other people’s money’, which is very true. But, after the credit-crash when the banks went bananas and blew all our money, unbridled capitalism now stands alongside in the dock. It’s not easy finding the right balance, but you can avoid the biggest heffalump traps. Peter Mandelson (sorry, Lord Mandelson) is still determined to get us into the euro currency. The secret talks were revealed by Jose Barroso, president of the European Commission, who recently said that Britain was ‘closer than ever before’ to signing up to the single currency. Mr Barroso added that he had had conversations with ‘the people who count in Britain’ and knew that they were ready to move into the eurozone. Let’s be clear. If we were in the euro the Bank of England could not have cut interest rates to ease the recession. Interest rates for the euro are set in a big bank in Frankfurt, and apply throughout the eurozone. This is why Spain, Italy and Greece are in economic freefall. They need to cut interest rates but can’t. To quote Nigel Farage, leader of the UK Independence Party: ‘If Barroso would like to consult the “people who count in Britain” then he can call for a referendum on the euro so the people of Britain can tell him where to go.’ Bailout Blues Hit me with a fish Last week we saw that UK numberplates are illegal if showing any flag other than the EU ring of stars. This comes from Brussels, in Council Regulation (EC) 2411/98. The plan was that eventually every numberplate, by law, would display only the EU ring of stars, to “foster a common European identity”. But first they had to get rid of those pesky Union flags, Scottish Saltires, etc… The Labour government passed the law in June 2001, but then fudged it, taking “a relaxed view on enforcement”. This was a ticking time-bomb. It only needed some overeager traffic cop to whisk out his notebook and the lid would be blown. That has now happened. Many drivers have recently been fined £60 for displaying a national flag (but the EU ring of stars is fine)… The MOT test makes no mention of this as a “fail”. In September 2007 the VOSA guidelines for MOT garages were: “Display of the Union flag, Scottish Saltire, Cross of St George, Red Dragon are also permitted”. An update the following month explained to garages what would constitute a ‘fail’, and here is the wording: “A dual purpose registration plate displaying a symbol other than an acceptable international symbol or flag.”… The VOSA rules are still in effect. Given that they had already defined Union flags etc as acceptable, it is now clear that you can drive out of the MOT station, proudly waving your 12 months MOT certificate, and be immediately fined by a cop hungry for fast-track promotion… As usual the Government’s powerlessness is thrown into sharp relief. Please understand that the EU is an emerging empire, with its government in Brussels. They make the rules, not Westminster. You didn’t vote them in. You can’t vote them out. You are now an EU citizen (look at your passport if you don’t believe me) and the new biometric Identity Card is plastered in EU symbols, such as Europa the bull, with no sign of the Union Jack. I could slap you around the face with a wet haddock, I suppose, but how much more evidence do you need? Bringing water to the horse Human wrongs You know it’s a good day when you wake up and can still see the bedroom ceiling. But for some people things can suddenly go downhill. Take Keith Hirst, 54, with a heart condition, who recently spent 18 hours in a police cell because he dropped an apple core, was confronted by an apparently “baying” police community support officer and refused to give his name. He was then banged up overnight, with his disabled wife worrying at home where he’d gone. Meanwhile in Hull, Sarah Davies, 20, was fined £75 after her four-year-old daughter dropped a piece of sausage roll. Or take canoeist Nigel Conway who paddled along a river in North Wales and refused to pay £3 to a rafting company that leased the banks of the river. He was arrested, questioned for two hours, photographed, fingerprinted, and had his DNA taken. “I refused to pay to paddle the river – it is a matter of principle – everyone should have the right to access water free of charge.” Or how about Victor Abrahams who received a £100 fixed penalty ticket from Barnet Council in London because he had a sign in the window of his Ford Escort: “FOR SALE Escort Ghia Automatic. Very Low Mileage”. No price was mentioned in the ad, but he was still accused of “Offering goods for sale in a public place.” The point I’m making here is that because of the Human Rights Act, real criminals are treated with comparative leniency, and ordinary folk like the above are being treated with contempt. We need more prisons, longer sentences, and to scrap the Human Rights Act. The UK Independence Party will do all that, and more. Littered with intent Tricky Business You need to be careful in life. Don’t look for a gas leak with a match, and remember that your grandmother’s ‘lucky rabbit’s foot’ wasn’t so lucky for the rabbit. But sometimes it’s more tricky. Sarah Desrosier, 32, runs Wedge, a hair salon in London’s King’s Cross. In May 2007 she advertised for a junior assistant. Bushra Noah, a Muslim who wears a headscarf for religious reasons, came along for an interview. Sarah asked if Bushra would remove the headscarf at work. The answer was “No” so she didn’t get the job. Sarah explained: “I needed stylists to reflect the funky urban image of the salon and showcase alternative hairstyles. I’d have done the same if someone refused to remove a baseball cap.” Bushra Noah then took Sarah to an employment tribunal, claiming £34,000 in damages. Sarah, who has spent her savings on this legal battle, was outraged: “I am a small business and the bottom line is that this is not a woman who worked for me.” The tribunal rejected Noah’s claim for £34,000, but did grant her £4,000 because of hurt feelings. Sarah was furious: “She is simply someone I met for a job interview, who, for a host of reasons was not right for the job. I never in a million years dreamt that somebody would be completely against the display of hair and be in this industry.” Sarah should have realised that in this insane asylum of political correctness and multiculturalism, to catch a moth you need only to light a candle. It's a cover up Bouncers When Captain Cook arrived in Australia he asked the aborigines: “What is that animal called?” They replied: “Which animal? Be more specific.”… He pointed. “That one over there.” “Kangaroo” they said. The only problem is that the aboriginal word ‘kangaroo’ means: “I don’t know.”… I feel the same way when reading that British Airways have now taken beef off the menu to avoid offending Hindus, and that an Afghan who hijacked a plane to Stanstead airport in February 2000, armed with grenades and a gun, is now working as a cleaner at Heathrow. The only response I have left is: “Kangaroo.” Feeling Jumpy? Moral Maze Here is a test I was emailed recently. You must give an honest but spontaneous answer to a completely fictional question. This will show where you stand morally. You are a photo-journalist working for a national newspaper and you are caught in the middle of a huge flood caused by a hurricane in a city in the north of England. All around you houses, bridges, cars, people are being swept away. A terrifying situation, but you have your camera and know these pictures will sell across the world. THE TEST Suddenly you see a man in the water, struggling to stay afloat. You move closer. It is Gordon Brown, Prime Minister. The raging waters are about to take him under. You have two options. You can risk your own life to possibly save his. Or you can shoot a series of dramatic shots of the demise of one of the country’s most powerful men, and probably win the Pulitzer Prize… THE QUESTION.....(and please give an honest answer) Would you select high contrast colour film or go for the classic simplicity of black and white? It’s a difficult one, I know. Drowning not waving What's in a name? The Roman poet Lucretius once wrote: “It is pleasant, when the seas are high and the wind is dashing the boats about, to watch from the shore the struggles of another.” I see what he meant now. The New Labour Project is collapsing in front of us, and it’s rather enjoyable to behold. The biggest problem with the cultural Marxists running New Labour is that if you oppose them, they call you evil. Disagree with their disastrous immigration policy and you’re the BNP. Disagree with surrendering sovereignty to Brussels and you’re anti-European or a little Englander. Reject the lunacy of multiculturalism and you’re a racist. Disagree with the Archbishop of Canterbury about Britain adopting Sharia law and you’re a religious bigot. Though try opening an off-licence in Mecca and the Religious Police will shut you down and probably break your legs, even before you can cry: “But I’m a Guardian reader!” As someone once said: “Labour has always played the man, not the ball.” So I shed no tears if they are heading for political obscurity. The only problem is that it risks letting in the Lib Dems, who are even worse. Bring back Old Labour? No thanks. For my money the UK Independence Party looks the best long-term bet. And that’s not as absurd as it may sound. Frankly, much depends on next year’s European Elections, and I ask you to remember that in June 2009. If you want to keep alive the voice of political sanity, better vote UKIP. Because if UKIP ever disappears in a puff of smoke, even old Lucretius won’t stick around to watch from the shore. Neo-Coms'r'us All gas and no gaiters Roughly 20,000 years ago you could walk from Norfolk to Denmark. People and animals roamed freely in the swampy woodlands. Archaeologists know this because fishing boats often dredge up tree trunks, bones, and man-made flint arrowheads. And then – with global warming - the sea levels rose, the North Sea flooded in, and the locals were forced to higher ground. And then Britain became an island… In the 1600s Samuel Pepys wrote this in his diary: “21st January 1661: It is strange what weather we have had all winter; not so cold at all: but the ways are dusty, and the flies fly up and down, and the rose bushes are full of leaves. Such a time of year as was never known in this world before.” Or on 15th May 1663: “Strange were the effects of the late thunder and lightning, coming with great rain, which caused extraordinary floods in a few hours, bearing away bridges, drowning horses, men and cattle.” In response to Al Gore’s film An Inconvenient Truth, 31,000 scientists have just republished a petition on climate change: “There is no convincing scientific evidence that human release of… greenhouse gases is causing or will, in the foreseeable future, cause catastrophic heating of the Earth’s atmosphere and disruption of the earth’s climate. Moreover, there is substantial scientific evidence that increases in carbon dioxide produce many beneficial effects upon the natural plant and animal environments.” (Daily Telegraph 31/05/08) I freely admit that I’m no scientist, but if 31,000 scientists (9,000 of them with PhDs) are prepared to endorse this paper, then we really cannot claim that there is still “consensus on this subject”. There could be another explanation, voiced by an Australian professor recently. Asked why environmentalists kept thinking up new threats to the Earth, he replied: “Well, God died, then Marx, so now they’re worshipping the planet”. An unpopular view perhaps, but at least it’s possible. Sacrificed on the alter of inconvenience The Navy Lark Thanks to a UKIP ‘mole’ in the Admiralty I can now reveal plans for the new generation of Royal Navy warships. The Type 666 destroyer costs £850-million and meets the challenges of the 21st Century… In line with Health and Safety rules, it can stay at sea for days at a time; the crows nest is accessed by a Stannah stair-lift; the guns fire highly accurate ‘paintball charges’ to reduce injury, and stress councillors will be on 24-hour call. Sailors will work a maximum of 37-hours a week, in line with EU employment rules, and the crew will be 50/50 men and women in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender and sexuality. Tobacco will be banned but cannabis is to be permitted in the mess. As for “rum, sodomy and the lash”, rum will be outlawed but the latter two will now be available on request. Saluting an officer will be outlawed as “too elitist”. As HMS Cautious edges down the slipway at the Polish shipyard of Remontava next year she will blessed by a petrol bomb across the bows from Captain Hook - late of Finsbury Park Mosque but now appearing courtesy of the CIA. To the strains of “In the Navy” this (literally incredible) new fighting machine will head out on her first sea trials, advertising to the world our Prime Minister’s ongoing commitment to the needs of the armed forces. A spokesman from Jane’s Fighting Ships was said to be sobbing quietly somewhere. Anchors aweigh Plot devices It’s a real barrel of laughs out there at the minute. France has now banned British border guards in Calais from using an X-ray scanner when checking vehicles for stowaways. Apparently the scanners breach European safety laws, and without written permission from the illegals their use is now outlawed. Or try this one: in 2010 the British ‘kitemark’ safety standard will be torn up and replaced by a European ‘C.E’ mark. As a result, firework displays are now under threat, because the manufacturers must pay to have all their products retested. As Tom Smith of the CBI explained: “Not a single person in Britain will be made safer… but everyone will be affected by it becoming much more expensive and bureaucratic to import fireworks.” Or try this one, from the Guardian, Jan 18th. In the little village of Carnon Downs, near Truro, the local drama group produced a homemade pantomime - a mixture of Captain Hook, Robinson Crusoe and Long John Silver. But there was a problem. The panto’s finale ended with a sword fight across the stage. Under Health and Safety rules, they had to register the weapons with the police: two plastic cutlasses, six wooden swords and a toy pistol that flicks out a flag saying ‘Bang!’… Oh, and they also needed to employ a fight coordinator from Liverpool to supervise the fight scenes on Hook’s galleon. Now tell me that this country hasn’t lost the plot. Oh Yes they have! Got talent? - Don't encourage them! Devon Columnist Toby Landers visited a ‘non-competitive school sports day’ in Derby last year…. I’ll quote him: “I heard a teacher telling a 9 year old girl: “We don’t do that here!” She had been running across the playing field with a ‘racing attitude’. It was very obvious this girl had a natural talent and I am sure everybody could see that. Was she encouraged? Not a chance. I felt she was being patronised and put down by her school. She was told to resume passing bean bags around and pouring water into empty buckets. What a waste of time”. I know how he feels. Sometimes it’s difficult to feel sympathy for these teachers. When corporal punishment was banned and children suddenly knew their ‘human rights’, the resultant chaos in the classroom was inevitable. And with a generation of Wayne and Waynetta parents, themselves reared on turkey twizzlers, pinning the headmaster against the bike-shed wall, the only solution is to fight like a cat in a sack to get your child into one of the few half-decent schools we have left, and risk being spied upon by your local council. Tony Blair didn’t hesitate to pull strings for his own children. No bog-standard comprehensive for his lot, and when a prime minister sets an example, who can be blamed for following? Bog standards Lie back and don't think of England It’s no secret that the BBC has become dominated by progressive lefties (which explains why its politically correct output is now virtually unwatchable) but here’s an interesting tale. One of UKIP’s supporters is the ex-deputy editor of Radio 4’s Today programme. He has spent 29 years in the BBC and was editor of Newsbeat, World Tonight, 6pm News and Today in Parliament. This man knows his onions. He recently attended Today’s 50th birthday party in the O2 Centre next to the London Eye. Then he wrote to us about it. Here is part of his letter: “The event was filled with the ‘great and the good’, Ken Livingstone, most of the Lib Dem MPs, David Trimble, Lord and Lady Howe etc. Among the many journalists but few Today workers, was a well-known presenter from Radio 5 Live (not sure why he was there, but still). ‘When “Europe” cropped up he had the audacity to suggest we could do nothing about it and like a woman being raped, should lie back and “enjoy” it. I was so taken aback, I didn’t know what to say – without being extremely rude that is. Regrettably that seems to be the attitude of most people in the UK. Will they ever wake up?” Shhhhh....... Foregone conclusions The Delphi Technique is a sneaky way of pushing through controversial issues. You will find it at public enquiries, school meetings, local government consultation exercises etc; and this guide should help you spot it… Their aim is to get you, the audience, to vote for a preset decision (hospital closure, new airport, gypsy site, etc). If people believe an idea is their own, they’ll support it. If they feel it’s being forced on them, they’ll resist. This so-called participation is an illusion and it works like this. They hire a “facilitator”. Supposedly neutral and non-judgemental, but in fact he’s on ‘their’ side. He then works the crowd, seeking out those who disagree, making them look foolish, inept or aggressive, sending a clear message to the rest of the audience that they’d better behave unless they want the same treatment. This is ‘group dynamics’. Once the opposition has been identified and alienated, the facilitator becomes the good guy and the direction of the meeting is established without the audience ever realising what is happening. The crowd is then broken up into smaller groups (divide and rule) and encouraged to put down on paper their ideas and concerns, not sharing them openly. That way nobody knows what anyone else has written, and the final compilation of results can be left to those running the meeting. And even if one table disagrees, they are still in a minority. Lynn Stuter is an education researcher in Washington State, and she lists the way to counter the Delphi Technique. Always be charming, courteous and pleasant. Don’t be aggressive or you will lose the audience. Don’t respond angrily when the facilitator tries to ridicule you. Be persistent. If the facilitator launches into a long monologue, this is done deliberately. Wait till he finishes, then say: “You haven’t answered my question. What I asked was…” Sometimes it helps to have friends in the crowd: “You haven’t answered that lady’s question.” But ignore each other at tea break or they’ll soon realise that you’re in cahoots. As Mrs Stuter says: “Citizens believe they are contributing to the result, but in reality the outcome has already been decided beforehand. The goal of facilitators is to make the majority of the group members like them, and to alienate anyone who might pose a treat to the realisation of their agenda.” It is oddly reminiscent of the approach by Europhiles to anyone who dares to disagree with them. Refutation by denigration, Delphi style. The end result |
Ethnic uniformity Here’s an email UKIP Head Office had recently: “Dear Sir, I am a 2008 graduate with a 2:1 in computer games development and have been unable to find work for over a year now. So I decided to check out the Graduate Talent Pool website, which seems a good scheme…” There was only one vacancy, a graduate intern at Yorkshire ITV, so our hero clicked on the website and found this: “The Foundation Placement Scheme is delivered under Section 37 of the Race Relations Act and is therefore designed specifically for applicants from Black, Asian or Minority Ethnic backgrounds. Specifically designed for anyone who isn’t white? How is that fair? And how can the government or companies expect people to NOT become racist when they see garbage like this. It is blatantly racist. This is pure discrimination and I fear this kind of ignorance will lead to a rise in fascism.” And he’s absolutely right. If you look at the scheme it lists who can apply (above 18, from the Yorkshire region, a UK resident, or from a Black, Asian, or Minority Ethnic Background.) but it’s quite clear that if any blue-eyed Caucasians are called for interview they’ll be wasting their bus fare. Just for the record: the UK Independence Party is totally opposed to ‘positive discrimination’, partly because it acts as a recruiting-sergeant for Nick Griffin’s lot. Job lot Rolling the stones The Stone Age didn’t end just because we ran out of stones. It is hard-wired into us to adapt, change, and survive (though the cavemen took a few thousand years to get going). If I invent a widget, you’ll invent a wodget, so I must invent a widget that also widgets. The driving force behind this is private enterprise and the market-place, not governments using our money to fund research, because governments don’t know how to innovate and should keep their nose out. The Concorde aircraft might have been a technological triumph, but it never made a profit and the taxpayer picked up the bill. And constant change is the only permanence. Back in 1939 the Spitfire (and, yes, the Hurricane) blasted the Luftwaffe from the Battle of Britain. But one year later the Germans introduced the Focke-Wulf 190, a far better plane which blew our chaps out of the sky. Churchill saw the threat and cancelled all fighter operations over Northern Europe. Had the Nazis been using Focke-Wulfs in 1939 we’d have lost. But then in 1941 the new, improved Spitfire Mark 1X entered service, and it was our turn to kick butt again. As you can possibly guess, otherwise I’d be writing this in German, nicht wahr? So I’m not averse to change, and (for example) do accept that mobile ‘phones have pretty much killed off the old red telephone kiosks. It’s a shame, but things move on. But one thing that does rile me is when UKIP is accused of wanting to return to the past and of being ‘phobic’ about being sucked into a “modern, dynamic European superstate”. Rather than misplaced nostalgia, UKIP is showing plain common sense. Much of what is wrong with ‘modern’ Britain can be laid at the EU’s door, and to quote President Obama: “It’s time for a change”. The General Election will be on May 6th next year: our chance to send a message to the old, tired parties, with their arrogance and their snouts in the trough, that real change is outside, knocking at the door, and coming in. Gathering no moss Back to the future I’m writing this two weeks before the June 4th European Elections, and by the time you read it things might have changed. At the moment UKIP is level in the opinion polls with the Labour government; and we’re going up while they’re going down. To quote a BBC journalist yesterday: “The UKIP bandwagon is now rolling.” I risk getting omelette on my face when this appears in print, but as more stories emerge of MPs charging us for non-existent mortgages, 88p bathplugs, and porno movies, it seems likely that UKIP will do extremely well. So on behalf of UKIP and all the candidates you voted for on June 4th , may I say a big Thank You to everyone. We couldn’t have done it without you, and I promise that UKIP will continue exposing the EU’s pernicious influence over this country. A joke is now running through the EU corridors in Brussels, referring to MPs claims for cash: “What is another name for British MPs? Lightweights!”… This is because the MEPs in Brussels know that the system of EU allowances (and the fraud involved) makes Plug-Gate (if I can invent that term) look like somebody fiddling the tea money. Former accountant Marta Andreasen (hopefully now a UKIP MEP but we’ll have to see) was hired to look at the EU accounts. But when she reported back that the system was in chaos, with massive fraud, a vast black hole of money that had simply disappeared, and not even double-entry book-keeping to back it up, she was gagged, then sacked. For Marta, simply walking back into that EU Council Chamber as an MEP, will be hugely satisfying: another reason to thank everyone who voted UKIP. I must take this opportunity to thank Malcolm Wood, SW Regional Organiser for UKIP, who is retiring in June. He’s been a superb and tireless worker, a huge asset to UKIP over the years, and he and his wife Jenny will be sorely missed. Enjoy that bottle of Burgundy, Malcolm Fast Forward Spel Chek A primery scool in Glostershire has resently axed spelling tests for its poopils because getting the werds rong can leave them feling like failures. Children at Whitmister Church of England Primary weel no longur have to lern lists of werds sush as Stopping, Between, Planned, Involved, or Smoothly. The headmistress, Debbie Marklove, explained things in a letter to the parents: “We have taken the decision to stop spelling as homework as it is felt that although children may learn them perfectly at home, they are often unable to use them in their written work. Also many children find this activity unnecessarily distressing.” As one correspondent from New Zealand observed: “If you have any more Nu-Labour governments like the present one, you are going to need all the cannon fodder you can get. Make sure your children get an education so they can apply for a passport and escape.” Adding fuel to the fire is the Oxford University Press which has just culled hundreds of words from its Junior Dictionary, replacing them with entries better reflecting Britain as modern, multicultural and multi-faith. Tradition, religion and the countryside are the worst casualties. Gone are words like Bishop, Chapel, Carol, Devil, Duchess, Emperor, Kingfisher, Lark, Poodle, Raven, Stork, Weasel, and Wren…. Incoming words are: MP3 player, Bullet-point, EU, Bungee jumping, Allergic, Emotion, Dyslexic, Euro, and Food Chain… All I can say is that we will roo the day we surrendered our education system to these politically correct spell-checkers. Edukachun Edukachun Edukachun Pulling the Woolas Phil Woolas, the new Immigration Minister, told The Times newspaper (18/10/08) that he wanted to see a dramatic reduction in the number of migrants coming to Britain. And then the progressive-left squashed him. He was pulled from BBC1’s Newsnight and the usual suspects trotted out the predictable stuff that such comments were “potentially racist”. Since then (at the time of writing) Mr Woolas has kept his head down, thus proving that the light at the end of the tunnel has just been switched off. But it’s all hot air. Stricter immigration controls won’t apply to EU citizens, so the back door is wide open. And as revealed by the Daily Express, Africa News, and Reuters (11/10/08) there is now a secret EU plan to invite 50 million African workers into the EU. As the Express reported, that same week a tax-payer funded ‘job centre’ costing 10-million euros opened in Mali as a first step to “promoting free movement of people in Africa and the EU”. The Brussels-based agency Eurostat claimed that Britain and other EU-states would need 56-million immigrant workers by 2050, making up for demographic decline due to falling birth rates. Stand by for the rush, ladies and gentlemen, but don’t expect Mr Woolas to help. Right now he’s probably incarcerated in a political re-education centre somewhere in the Cairngorms… French MEP Francoise Castex (author of Eurostat’s report) said: “It is urgent that member states have a calm approach to immigration.” But the fact is that even if we want to panic, it won’t do us an ounce of good. Brussels has already decided, and there’s nothing we can do about it. This is called Loss of Sovereignty. I just thought you should know. Can we leave yet? Feeling sick If you visit the Lurgasall Winery near Petworth, Sussex, you might encounter a very angry man. Jerry Schooler has been making mead, silver birch wine, and bramble liqueur for 24 years, producing many bottles for discerning customers. But now the EU has stuck its nose in… Brussels has told him that it’s illegal to use his traditional 37.5cl bottles, and he must use 35cl bottles instead. As Mr Schooler said: “It’s all a nonsense, absolutely ridiculous. We have been using 37.5cl bottles since we started. We are going to have to change all our bottling, the labels, and maybe the corks as well and it’s going to cost me £30,000 to do it.” It’s also happening in Portugal. One restaurateur wrote to Mike Nattrass MEP (UKIP) “We no longer have the tank of salt water clams in the restaurant. We had men in collars and ties here, enforcing EU regulations. They said clams must go dry into the fridge under EU rules. The EU is telling me to change old Portuguese traditions which are there for good reason. These little fellows are alive, fresh, and cleaning themselves.” He went on: “Clams live in the sand and have sand in their bodies. Placing them into seawater allows them to spit out the sand and bacteria and other things. But now they must be placed dry into a refrigerator, where they die slowly and are unclean. Is this EU progress?” Menu Fixe Clips and pieces I'm raiding the clippings box for snippets which in light of recent and present events have much prescience for today. The Independent: “In Zimbabwe the price of one brick today would have been enough to buy a three-bedroom house with a swimming pool in 1990”. The only problem is that it’s dated March 2007. These days it would probably buy you one of Robert Mugabe’s mansions. Or try this one, from the Mail on Sunday’s ‘Quotes from 1982’: “The EEC takes away Britain’s freedom to follow the sort of economic policies we need. That is just one of the reasons for pulling out.” (Tony Blair before he became prime minister). Or writer Ayn Rand, quoted recently in the Telegraph: “The difference between a welfare state and a totalitarian state is just a matter of time.” Or finally this one from the Observer 14/9/08: “Thousands of expats aged over 60 will claim more than £10-million in winter fuel payments, even though they live in countries that remain warm throughout the winter… European rules mean that benefits acquired in one member state must be given to those who move elsewhere within the EU.” So if you move to the Algarve you’ll still get your coal allowance. Assembling the jigsaw Euro-Blarney You might be interested in a few extracts from the Irish Daily Mail, 14th April 2008. This was before Irish voters later said “NO” to the Lisbon Treaty. A leaked email showed that ministers were planning a deliberate campaign of misinformation. As the Mail reveals ‘Foreign Affairs Minister Dermot Ahern has been personally assured that the European Commission will “tone down” any announcements from Brussels “that might be unhelpful”, and ruled out an October referendum because they feared “unhelpful developments during the French presidency.” The newspaper went on: ‘The most controversial aspect is that it will be used to advance the concept of a European army, violating the principle of neutrality that has long been a foundation stone of the State… The leaked email admits that this is one of the issues that needs to be kept from voters.’ And the editorial comment in the same issue goes even further: ‘Whether the Lisbon Treaty is accepted by the Irish public or not, one thing is clear – the Government campaign in its favour is already one of the most deeply dishonest in Irish history. The revelation that the Government has conspired with foreign politicians to deceive its own electorate speaks of profound betrayal. That the Irish people should be the victims of a dishonest alliance between their own government and outside powers is something many will find very hard to forgive quickly.’ Dublin duplicity Passed the sell by date The Scandinavians have a saying: “Guests are like fish. After three days they start to smell.”… Everything has a shelf life, and Gordon Brown is now looking green about the gills, being avoided by many of his colleagues. The credit crunch is not his fault, but he blew all our money on a client state of public servants when he should have been squirreling it away for the bad times. Even worse, he moved into 10 Downing Street, saying that politicians must reconnect with voters, then broke an election promise and signed the Lisbon Treaty, surrendering our sovereignty to Brussels… He even lacked the guts to line up with the other EU leaders for the official photograph, deliberately turning up late when everyone had gone home, stepping between the cleaners as they hoovered the carpet around him. Frank Field and Kate Hoey, both former Labour ministers, were threatened with expulsion from the Party for publicly criticising his decision not to hold a referendum, and both were ordered to attend a “meeting without coffee” to get a carpeting. But then along came the Irish NO vote. Spanner in the works time… Former German Foreign Minister, Joschka Fischer, then condemned the Irish for voting NO. “A strong European foreign policy, badly needed given the current state of the world, was buried on June 12, for the time being. The nation states will have control over foreign policy once again.” Herr Fischer’s words (in an editorial in Dagens Nyheter, June 2008) prove that adopting the Lisbon Treaty means surrendering control of our foreign policy. No wonder David Miliband is scouting around for another job. Always read the label They may hide but there's nothing for them to run The British Police are facing a problem. A few years ago they “fast-tracked” bright young graduates into senior positions, leap-frogging the experienced cops. The senior officers now running the police are committed to political correctness, multi-culturalism and diversity awareness training. Forget catching thieves, most of them couldn’t catch a cold. As a result, crime is rising, morale among “other ranks” has collapsed, and the public have virtually given up. Even worse, many senior officers remain in a state of denial, obsessed with reaching targets imposed on them by the progressive-left. Ironically, many Poles who emigrated to the UK are complaining of a ‘poor or apathetic response’ from our boys in blue and are now hiring private detectives from Poland to come here and investigate the crimes that our lot woefully failed to solve. To quote the Daily Mail (26/02/08): “Polish private eyes claim that the British police are helpless in the face of Polish organised crime now taking root in Britain. They say that the Poles have received zero support when they become victims of burglars, muggers and other criminals.” My only response to that is: What’s new? We could have told them that, years ago. Ask Stephen Earp, of Horsebridge on Dartmoor. Thieves recently broke into his property, stealing various items. He reported the crime, but nobody came. Days later he had a letter from Tavistock police: ‘From the information currently available to us there is unfortunately no other active line of enquiry.” But if Plod hadn’t even stirred from the local cop-shop then how could they possibly know? As Mr Earp said: “They have done nothing to get evidence. I’d rather they were honest and said they did nothing about it… but they cannot be bothered to send a chap out for half an hour. I am incensed. One assumes the police are getting into the world of standard letters, and are more interested in sending out letters to make someone feel better than trying to stop these people.” I, personally, am so appalled that I have just completed a Victim of Crime report and will be sending it to the Chief Constable. The only problem is that I’ve mislaid my book of stamps. I put it down just over there, with my wallet, but they both seem to have disappeared. Perhaps I should call directory enquiries and ask for the Warsaw CID? To protect and swerve Bulb Futures Thanks to New Labour (and the EU) and its hysteria over man-made climate change, we will soon be losing our traditional tungsten light bulbs for ‘green’ bulbs, containing mercury, an extremely poisonous substance. If you break a mercury bulb you must leave a window open and evacuate the room for at least 15 minutes to let the fumes clear. Here are the official instructions issued to MPs/Lords in Westminster. Don’t Hoover up the glass. Put on protective gloves and mask, and place the large fragments inside a sturdy box. Then sweep up the splinters using stiff card. Clean the area with a damp cloth, place the cloth in a box, and seal the box with parcel tape. Then – you haven’t finished yet – then, label the contents of the box using pen or paper, and then take the sealed box to a waste removal area where it must pass to a licensed waste disposal operator… There are many problems with these new bulbs. They are hideously ugly, poisonous, won’t fit old (antique) light fittings, and are extremely dangerous because they take hours to give out anything more than a pathetic glow on, say, a staircase where you only briefly need illumination. No wonder they save electricity. You’d be better off with a pocket torch. Ironmonger Barry Forkin added his tuppence: “You’ll need to lay in a big stock of 40-watts,” he told one of his customers. “British manufacturers won’t be able to make them. But in Europe they’re not withdrawing them by 2010, so they’re making all these low-energy bulbs to sell in Britain. Funny that.”… Even funnier, if mercury is suddenly so safe and cosy, why did Brussels recently ban the manufacture of traditional mercury barometers, wrecking a number of British family-run businesses that had been trading for generations? If you’re wanting to get in before the ban go to your local suplier and start stockpiling. The only problem is that I intend to get there before anyone else and grab the lot. Sorry about that. Blame the green zealots of New Labour and Brussels. Buy now - save later Giro-Credit Crunch A cross section of the population of the UK, including Albanians, Turks, Liverpuddlians, Iraqis, etc, were asked if they thought that Britain should change its currency to the euro. The result was enough to gladden the most eurosceptic heart: a vote of 99% said no. They were very happy with the giro, though this was before the Northern Rock fiasco. (Had the bank been called Southern Rock, and its members Tories from the shires, things might have been very different). The credit crunch has reverberated around the world, with Japan the latest casualty. The Origami Bank has folded; Bonsai Bank has cut many of its branches; and shares in Kamikaze Aeronautics have nose-dived - all this following the recent news that 3,200 employees at the Karate Bank have been given the chop. Ahem. And now for something completely different. Mark Leonard - foreign policy director of the ‘Centre For European Reform’ (and a huge fan of Brussels) – said this: “The British House of Commons, law courts and civil servants have become agents of the European Union, implementing European law. By creating common standards that are implemented through national institutions, Europe can take over countries without necessarily becoming a target for hostility.” This all goes to show that you mustn’t believe everything you read. (The Origami Bank, for example, does not exist - Sorry about that). But the Mark Leonard quote is the exception that proves the rule. It’s totally accurate (source: Christopher Booker, Sunday Times, Feb 2005). And quite frankly if his words don’t worry you, then I’m not sure what will. Please try to wake up. The coffee’s on, bacon’s frying. Over to you. Promise to pay Who-Dunn-It? In Autumn 2007 Bill Newton-Dunn (Lib Dem MEP) asked Brussels for 250,000 euros (£173,000) to promote an EU wide police force. At their Lisbon Summit in October 2007 the EU signed a treaty establishing the Eurogendfor (EU Gendarmerie) and Mr Newton-Dunn clearly wanted a slice of the action…. This is predictable for a Lib Dem, but his UKIP opponent in the East Midlands, Derek Clark MEP, issued an immediate press release: “I do not wish to see Euro-cops, armed with a handgun and legal immunity swaggering around the East Midlands with a European Arrest Warrant from a European prosecutor ready to drag one of my constituents back to a country for a crime that may not even exist in the UK. I will be voting against Newton-Dunn’s scheme.” Shortly afterwards Bob Spink (Tory MP at the time, but now UKIP) stood up in Westminster and asked the Foreign Secretary: “Will you give an assurance that this paramilitary force will not be allowed to operate on British soil?” Setting aside his milkshake, wiping his mouth, and standing up, David Milliband replied that he could give no such assurance. Eurogendfor had to be invited into any country by its government.. As Bob Spink said: “This gives no confidence at all to the British people, since we know from experience that we cannot trust this government. I note that they haven’t ruled out giving permission for Eurogendfor to enter Britain, for instance during the 2012 Olympic Games.” Still going to vote for one of these Brussels-friendly parties? Euro-goons-r-us Spring Bulbs They call them ‘light-bulb moments’… (St Paul had one on the road to Damascus), the moment when realisation hits and the scales suddenly fall from your eyes. For Roger Knapman MEP (former leader of UKIP) it happened in 1985, shortly before he was elected as a Conservative MP. He was in Germany at the time, as guest of the Konrad Adeneur Stiftung (Foundation). Along with other British visitors, Roger was observing 6,000 NATO forces on military manoeuvres on the bleak North German Plain. It was a cold day, with a damp mist rolling in across the battlefield, obscuring the action. As time wore on the observers gradually lost the feeling in their toes, so the Bundswehr Colonel invited them into the nearby officer’s mess for ‘a little something’… Over a glass of colourless liquid the visitors gradually thawed out. As the others talked with the officers, Roger looked around the mess. He noticed a big coloured map fixed to the wall: “EUROPE OF THE REGIONS”, with 116 ‘regions’ listed, stretching right across Europe, from Portugal to Poland, from Finland to the toe of Italy. Yet barely anyone in Britain at the time had ever heard of ‘regions’. This was an eye-opener. We all have our light-bulb moments. For Roger Knapman it came in 1985. I wonder when you’ll have yours. Flick that switch Pay days The world is mad. I’ve always suspected it. Now here’s the proof, courtesy of Richard Littlejohn (You Couldn’t Make it Up, 18/12/2007) The Home Office is giving illegal immigrants grants of £4,000 each to go home and set up a business. An ostrich farm in Iran, an Albanian vineyard, a fish farm in Angola, a shoe factory in China, and a beauty salon in Zimbabwe. An undercover reporter from a Sunday newspaper turned up at the International Organisation of Migration and told them he’d been living here illegally for 11 years, selling drugs, and now wanted to return to India to open a travel agency, to help illegal immigrants come to Britain. The official didn’t bat an eyelid, and promised him a grant of £4,000 to pay for his flight, a car, office equipment, and three months salary for two employees. As Mr Littlejohn explains: “The scheme is being advertised in foreign language newspapers. There’s nothing to prevent anyone turning up on a day trip to London, claiming to have been here for years and volunteering to go home in exchange for a grant to open a tattoo parlour in Tirana.” Among other enterprises funded by your hard-earned taxes are a car dealership in Kenya, an Islamic dress shop in Sudan, a ferry in the Congo, a vehicle repair shop in Kosovo, and a farm in Armenia. The bill has reached £36 million. By the time you read this, it will be far more. Please remember this, next time you’re writing out that cheque for the Poll Tax. And remember which political parties are so consumed by political correctness that they support this appalling crassness. Business as usual Bog-of Politics can be rough. In Parliament it is said that you face your opponents, but your real enemies are sitting behind you. Winning a seat is difficult. Keeping it is harder. Eric Lubbock (now Lord Avebury) remarked wryly: “In 1962 the wise, far-seeing people of Orpington elected me as their member. In 1970 the fools threw me out.” Even if you gain power you are constantly at the mercy of “events”. Opposition is a luxury where you can promise the earth, safe in the knowledge that you’ll never have to deliver; but it comes as a bit of a shock if you win unexpectedly. This happened last year in Israel when the Palestinians turned away from Fatah and voted for Hamas. There was panic in the Hamas camp when they suddenly realised that they now had to start running the place, not just indulge themselves by shouting in the streets, spraying bullets into the air with an AK47 (I’ve often wondered where all those bullets land, but that’s for another time). It’s not quite the Gaza strip, but Gordon Brown is about to learn how tough politics can get. He is trying to stuff the renamed EU Constitution through Parliament without asking the people in a referendum (breaking a solemn promise that helped get him elected). This is bad enough, but his hated Treaty will mean that Britain gets the Euro Currency. Before the inevitable cries of “Codswallop” may I quote from Article 3 of the Treaty: “The Union shall establish an economic and monetary union whose currency is the euro.” It then expresses the desire of: “ever closer co-ordination of economic policies… pending the euro becoming the currency of all Member States of the Union.” No wriggle room for Gordon Brown there. Vote for the Treaty and get the Euro as an extra. In other words Buy One Get One Free! Funny money |