Discovery in woods explains why people no longer vote

Kamp Kommanders - Policing Europe the new way with the European Gendarmerie Force

Spot the difference - One wore theatrical uniforms and wanted to unify Europe, and the other.......? Colonel Gio-vanni Truglio and his men provide "crisis management capability in sensitive areas......by providing a multinational and effective tool" - Oooh Er, Missus! as the late Frankie Howard would say! Click here for the full Gilbert and Sullivan glory.

The Euro-vision one hit wonder

How long is red tape?

Pythagoras theorem has 24 words, the Lords Prayer has 66 words, the Archimedes principle 67 words, the ten commandments 179 words, the Gettysburg address 286 words and the new European Union rules on the sale of cabbages? 26,253 words!

Excuses excuses.......

No comment necessary

The gory party

Blu Lab Logo

After Dave fesses up the Tories re-re-brand. (Hat tip Money Mad)

Separated at birth?

          Chris                           Jools

Errr...."click the headings" for the links!

Euro-speak

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Heaven!

Lib/Lab/Con travel advisory

Thank you for travelling with us. Before we depart we'd like to give you a short demonstration on our new travel policy.
If you're flying with us today please note that those of you in economy class will be rationed to one short haul flight a year.
If you are leaving the UK please make sure that you have gone through our interrogation procedures and you are on our database as those not on file will be classed as non-persons and not allowed to travel.
For those of you taking the car on your journey make sure that your in-car tracking device is working properly and have your credit card ready before you leave. If you do not have enough credits for your journey your vehicle will be impounded and you will attend our rehabilitation course: "Your journey, is it really necessary?"
Please stow all your recyclables in the wheelie bins behind you and remember that we now have a new weight allowance of one kilo as approved by our EU waste partnerships. Exceeding this amount will mean 6 penalty points on your energy audit card and a fine of 50 carbon offsets.
Sick bags are available to those of you who turn green due to rising pockets of hot air which may cause discomfort.
Our movie today is 'The Inconvenienced' which is not suitable for those of a nervous disposition.
Enjoy your trip!
(In an emergency follow the yellow and purple signs to the exit marked UKIP)

The stay at home party

Cutting comments

Five surgeons are discussing whose patients make the best surgical candidates.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table. When you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in. "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end. And if the job takes longer than you said it would, no big deal."
But the fifth surgeon topped them all. "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine. And on top of that, the head and the ass are interchangeable."

Deja Vu? (Hat tip Matt Davies UKIP Woking)

Dave promises jam tomorrow in Bournemouth

A new recipe for the conservatives?

What Nigel really said at the Conservative Spring conference

'This is the big Sultana speaking...Come out of your closets with your loans held high!'

Beach the bloo-rinse and catch the wave of change

1. Take the bus when you can - or the gravy train.
2. Get to know your neighbours better - including those UKIP fruitcakes.
3. Pick up one piece of litter from the street everyday - and don't rubbish your opponents.
4. Re-use your plastic bags when you go to the shops - and recycle old policies.
5. Switch to energy efficiency light bulbs at home - when there's someone there?
6. Reduce your thermostat by 2 degrees - we don't want the opposition feeling the heat.
7. Support your local shopkeepers - buy from Notting Hill.
8. Don't overfill your kettle - and call the pot racist.
9. Fill out a donor card - we need fresh loans!
10. Give blood - we're on life support.

Who's the Daddy?

The Media Offspring?

 Charles     Dave

Breaking News! - Lambeth Walks no more - The past is pedestrian so time to keep in step

The Chair of Lambeth Council has declared the borough of Lambeth a ‘walk free zone’ after receiving complaints from a Mr. P. Head who was upset by the sight of pedestrians moving in a way which could prove offensive to those in the couch community. Mr. Potato said, “I needed counselling and a replacement remote after spilling my TV dinner when I saw this happening outside my own front window. The Chair said “I am not sitting down on this case; community relations advising perambulatory stakeholders, (craps), will be on patrol and offenders will be taken to the town hall for the recital of our new citizenship anthem, “Doing the Lambeth Way”

This is the BBC - or is it?

Auntie gets the Royston Vasey Treatment - (Warning don't click the link if you are easily offended).

Major Scientific Discovery!

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Governmentium". Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 deputy neutrons, 75 assistant neutrons, and 224 deputy assistant neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no protons or electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every action with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes a reaction to take 4 days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time since each organisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass." When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
Many thanks to Steve Allison for this!

Something battered, something blue
Invest wisely for the future or you could be taken for bumpy ride.

Bringing Home the Bacon

A farmer friend recently received a cheque for £3000 from the government for not rearing pigs. This sounded so good I would now like to start a ‘not rearing pigs business’ but wondered before I do anything rash, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which breeds are best for not rearing? I want to be absolutely sure I tick all the right Government policy boxes, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy. I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type they don't want rearing, does this mean I will have to breed them for real? Are there advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or is the market saturated? As I see it, the hardest part will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven’t reared. Does the Local Authority have courses on this? My friend is extremely satisfied as a stakeholder in this business, it was a streak of fortune. The return on these porkers have saved his virtual bacon. If I get £3000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6000 for not rearing 100? I intend to operate on a small scale initially, not raising about 4000 pigs, which should produce £240,000 in the first year. After this the sky is the limit as I can then afford to buy them an aeroplane and start flying lessons. Food for thought. These pigs I plan not to rear will not eat 2000 tons of cereals. I understand that they also pay for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don’t rear? Lastly, I am also considering expansion into the not milking cows business, so need more information on that along with the fields I need to set-aside. Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual-reality fields? As by now I will be totally unemployed I will need unemployment and income benefit to top up. I will of course be voting for the Labour Government at the next general election and for the European Union in the next Euro-Elections..................NOT!

Binge Thinking - The New Drink Tank?

The Notting Hillbillies

Come and listen to a story about a man named Dave
A posh toff gone to Eton, who had a minor crave,
Then one day was speakin' at an event,
And found himself in a great big meedja tent.

Circus that is, bright lights, Celebritee.

The first thing you know ol' Dave's a Tory Blair,
TV-folk said "Dave move away from there"
Dave said "Hills is the place I ought to be'
Get me into there cause I'm a Celebritee "

Hills, that is. Notting Hills, Sushi bars.

Well now its time to say goodbye to Dave and all his kin.
And they would like to thank you Torys fer kindly votin' in.
You're not invited back again to this localitee
Cause we all think that y'old and nastee

Sillybillys that is. Set in aspic, Leave your shoes on.

Don't come back now, y'hear?.

Elections are the past - We are aching for change say voters!

B-liar taps into the national mood.

Trafalgar travels through time

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy." Hardy: "Aye, aye sir." Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?" Hardy: "Sorry sir?" Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledygook is this?" Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunity employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist." Nelson : "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco." Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments." Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle." Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking." Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead." Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water." Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please." Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir." Nelson: "What?" Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And, they said that a rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected." Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy." Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral." Nelson : "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd." Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled." Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card." Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency." Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons." Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?" Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy." Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral." Nelson: "What? This is mutiny." Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks." Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?" Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not." Nelson: "We're not?" Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation." Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil." Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary." Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King." Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules." Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?" Hardy: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment." Nelson: "What about sodomy?" Hardy: "I believe it's to be encouraged, sir." Nelson: "In that case. Kiss me, Hardy."